It's A Christmas Miracle, Agent Scully
by IllaFemina
Summary: In which Scully learns to be very careful what she wishes for and Mulder learns to be wary of advertising schemes: a humourous tale of epigenetics.


'Just pull your sleeve up for me, Ms Scully.' said the bearded nurse gently. Scully laid her blazer across her lap and pulled her shirtsleeve to above her elbow. 'Have you ever given blood before?', he continued, 'Or is this your first time?'

'I've done it a few times.' She lay back on the cot, her arm held out, and glanced at the empty bag held above her on a nearby IV stand.

'Great, so I don't need to give you the whole "Squeeze, unsqueeze" talk again, do I?' he said with a jolly laugh.

'Not at all.' The nurse pulled a tourniquet tight around her upper arm and swabbed the inside of her elbow carefully. Scully watched him. Perhaps the strong resemblance to the legendary Santa Claus was on purpose—a nurse in a costume for a holiday blood drive. But the man seemed genuinely bearded and truly plump, which was rather strange for a healthcare professional—beards don't generally mesh with sterile environments. Scully winced as the thick needle went into the sensitive skin of her arm. The nurse placed a squishy foam ball into her upturned palm.

'Slowly.' He warned. She followed the instruction, clenching and unclenching her fist as she watched the IV bag fill with a pint of red blood. Soon enough, the nurse withdrew the needle from her vein and placed a square of gauze over the small wound, securing it with white medical tape. 'Tell me when you're ready to sit up.'

'I think I'm fine.' she sat up very slowly, carefully, not wanting to just pass out. The nurse took her hand and helped her stand up.

'Thank you for donating, and have a very merry Christmas.' said the nurse with—could she call it a twinkle?—in his eye.

'You too, erm'—she looked at the large man's nametag—'Kris. Happy holidays.' Scully exited the mobile lab and a volunteer, a younger woman with clear green eyes, caught her arm.

'I'm here to make sure you don't hit the ground too hard if you pass out.' she explained.

'Thanks.' Scully replied, spots dancing briefly before her eyes.

'It sure is nice for you Feds to all donate like this.' the girl said. 'It's good when people give to charity so freely.' She paused. 'At the tables, they'll give you some apple juice and cookies. Remember to replenish your blood sugar all day today.'

'Oh, I will.' A chilly breeze entered the building as the girl led Scully inside, making sure the juice and cookies were safely in her hands before leading her to a nearby sofa.

'Rest up, and have a great holiday season!' said the girl cheerily, and she left.

'You too.' Scully replied, leaning back with a sigh. Mulder sat beside her.

'I didn't know it was a whole bag. I figured it was just a tube.' he said.

'How much blood do you think is needed for a blood transfusion, Mulder? There's 5 litres of blood in the human body.' Scully responded.

'I know.' He picked at the tape on his arm. 'It was just weird to see that much coming out of me.'

'We've seen much more than that before.'

'That's true.' Mulder looked at the chocolate chip cookie in his partner's hand. 'You gonna eat that?'

'Yes.' She began to unwrap it from its plastic, smelling the sweet, brown sugary scent wafting up from it.

'It's been a slow week. Might be able to make it home to Mom this year after all.' Mulder observed.

'I guess the aliens are all home for the holidays, too.' Scully joked dryly, taking a bite of the cookie.

'Do you think aliens have religion?' Mulder asked.

'I'm not going to get into any xenotheological discussions right now.' She replied, exasperated. 'Hey, did the nurse who took your blood have a big, white beard?'

'No. She did not. Yours in costume or something?'

'I don't know.'

'Was his name Kris Kringle and did he ask you what you wanted this year for Christmas?' Mulder asked with a smirk. Scully stared at him. 'What?'

'His name was Kris. With a K. Kris.' she mused.

'Oh, Scully, don't tell me you believe in Santa Claus!'

'Of course not! I'm just saying it was kind of weird.'

'It was just some nurse guy who gets really excited about the holidays. Like, really excited.' Mulder said. 'Now drink up, before you faint. Feels like you're going delusional on me.' Mulder reached over and unscrewed the top of her bottle of apple juice for her. Scully took a swig, and heard a—dare she even let the thought come to mind—_jolly_ laugh behind her. She swallowed and glanced over her shoulder.

'Mulder, look. That's him.' Mulder turned to see the nurse, holding his ample belly and laughing with the green-eyed volunteer who had walked Scully from the lab.

'Jeez, the guy really does get into it. Awfully fat for a nurse, don't you think?'

'Weight is not always an indicator of health.' Scully said. 'But look at his beard.'

'Looks pretty real.' Mulder agreed. 'Man, he should work for the Salvation Army.'

'Maybe he does.' Scully finished her cookie and sighed. 'I don't know, he gives me a weird feeling.'

'Weird bad or weird confusion-at-overenthusiasm-concerning-Christmas?'

'Weird like when you meet someone and they're just so happy and joyful, it's almost _too_ happy and joyful.'

'Oh, so like a Stepford thing.'

'You could say that.'

'Well, you know those charitable types. I mean, it's great they do what they do, but sometimes you gotta wonder what sick stuff they got up to in their dark past that made them all born-again or whatever.'

Scully shot him a glare. 'Have you ever considered that someone might just be nice?'

'I stopped considering that a long time ago, Scully.' Mulder replied darkly. As much as she didn't want to, she understood.

...

Scully locked her apartment door and yawned loudly. _So tired, _she thought. _I'll rest well tonight._ Her phone was flashing at her from a table by the door. She pressed a button.

'Three new messages.' stated a bland feminine voice. 'Message one.'

'Hey, Dana, has Mom been dropping any hints to you as to what she wants this year? I'm drawing a blank on what to get her.' Her brother, Jim. Scully pressed a button.

'Message erased. Message two.'

'Hello, Jason Reyes? This is Dr Carlotta Ingraham at Westside Medical. We just wanted to let you know that your test results are ready.' Wrong number.

'Message erased. Message three.'

'Jason honey, it's your mom. Where are you? You said you'd be back at ten thirty this morning Please pick up next time, we're really worried.' Another wrong number. _I told her this wasn't the number. It must be at least twenty times._ Her thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of her phone.

'Hello?' she asked.

'Hello, is Mr Reyes here?' Dr Ingraham from Westside Medical.

'I'm sorry, you have the wrong number.'

'Sorry about that, ma'am.'

'No problem.'

'Merry Christmas.'

'You too.' Scully tried hard not to slam the phone down. _I ought to track Jason Reyes' real number down and have people call that incessantly. See how he likes it. _There was a knock at the door. _What now?_ She looked through the peephole. A greasy-looking youth held a large pizza box out in front of him. She opened the door a crack.

'I didn't order pizza.' She told him flatly.

'This is the address.' argued the boy.

'Well I'm sorry, but I didn't order a pizza. You must be mistaken.' Scully closed the door. The boy banged on it a few time and then seemed to give up and leave. _Obviously if I don't take the pizza, it's not mine. Go give it to Jason Reyes. Jeez, all I want is for someone to do what I say._ _Stop calling this number. Go away, that's not my pizza. Trust me, it isn't aliens again._ She collapsed into an armchair and switched on the TV.

'SWEET! TANGY! NATURAL! NUTRITIOUS!' blared a man's voice from the set. Scully jumped and quickly turned the volume down. 'Try NEW CHERRY BLASTER today!' Onscreen, a muscular man popped a top off a soda bottle, letting pinkish foam spew from the mouth. A sexy, sophisticated-looking woman lifted a bottle to her lips, took a swig, and smiled. 'Cherry Blaster—it's delicious and it's good for you, too!' A huge bottle of the deep red liquid faded into view on the screen. 'CHERRY BLASTER. The new drink that's quenching the nation!' Scully sighed. _The shit they try to sell us these days, _she thought, and changed the channel.

...

'Mulder?' Scully asked. Mulder looked up from a file he had been avidly reading and spit the hull of a sunflower seed into a nearby bin.

'Hmm?'

'What's that on your desk?' Mulder looked around, finally noticing what she indicated.

'This?' He clarified, holding up a Cherry Blaster can. 'It's delicious. Do you want some?'

'I'll pass.'

'You sure? It really is great.' Mulder leaned back and let the last few drops fall into his mouth. He swallowed. 'And it's all-natural too.'

'Now is the soda great, or is it the advertising that's good?'

'It's the soda! Really, try some.' Mulder opened a desk drawer and pulled out a fresh can, sliding it to her across the desk. Scully picked it up and turned it so she could see the ingredients. _Carbonated water, cane sugar, natural colours, natural flavours—hold on. Secret ingredient? A smile?_

'Mulder, the can practically just lists carbonated water, sugar, and "secret ingredients". Don't you think that's weird?'

'It's funny, Scully. Like a parody of Coke, and how they never give out the recipe.' Scully returned the can to Mulder.

'When did this stuff come on the market, anyway? I don't think I had heard of it until last night.'

'I don't know.' Mulder sighed and pushed the can back to her. 'Just try some, I bet you'll like it.'

'I'm not thirsty. Why don't you drink it?' She said, pushing the can back. Mulder picked it up, opened it, and drank the whole thing in one go. Scully stared at him, wide-eyed. He cringed.

'That was a terrible idea, why did I just do that?' he asked, hiccoughing.

'I was just wondering the same thing.' she said, bewildered. 'Here, get some water or something—' Mulder stood up and walked briskly in search of a water fountain. 'Okay?' Scully said, to the suddenly empty chair. _Wait a second. Secret ingredient? This _is_ fishy._ Mulder came back, wiping his mouth on his sleeve. He sat down in his chair again.

'Ugh, I think that stuff gave me a headache.' he groaned.

'Mulder, could you break a pencil in half for me?' Scully asked, brows drawn. Mulder pulled a pencil from his desk drawer and snapped it. He looked down at the broken halves in his hands and back at her.

'Why...?' he asked.

'Now throw the eraser half across the room.' He did as asked.

'Scully, what are you trying to prove to me here?'

'I think there's something weird about this soda. Got any more?' she asked.

'Yeah.' Mulder opened a drawer of his desk to reveal several cans.

'I think we need to test a sample of this stuff in the lab.'

'Why is that?'

'Because for once in our partnership, you're doing what I tell you to.'


End file.
